That time I shoved a Cadburys Fudge up a Girl’s Growler.
If you’re anything like me, you probably find yourself gazing at your lady’s giblets from time to time, contemplating what your next experimental insertion might be. In my case I’d already covered the usual stuff; fingers, penis, carrot, big toe, etc. And since our 3 year anniversary was almost upon us, it seemed appropriate to take things to the next level. Like a treat, of sorts.
I already knew that she kept lots of chocolate bars hidden beneath her bed along with her fashion magazines, so I reached on down and grabbed the first thing that I could find; a Cadburys Fudge bar. By this point I was well and truly feeling the fizz in my tip, but we needed some foreplay on her first.
To get her warmed up, I began with some kisses to her forehead and left nipple before swiftly advancing down her body to avoid the boring bits. Soon enough the flat of my tongue was at work on her, slathering saliva evenly between her belly button and anus, covering as much surface area as possible to make sure I get her mysterious clitoris at least once.
As usual she couldn’t handle the pleasure for very long before telling me to stop, which worked out quite well because I was running a bit low on saliva.
It was definitely time to unleash the fudge, so I asked her to close her eyes and spread her legs like a chicken. I then began to carefully remove the fudge bar from its delicate packaging before ramming it halfway into her willing snatch.
She gasped immediately, no doubt wondering what sorcery I had just unleashed upon her pink sandwich. Lucky for her, she was in the hands of an expert, or so I thought…
You see, my plan was to use the fudge bar much like a tiny brown dildo and fuck her with it. Unfortunately I had underestimated the natural suction power of her vagina, which had somehow slurped up the entire fudge bar like a greedy Dyson in a house without carpets.
Panic began to set in as I realised my error. By now she was asking questions and I didn’t want to ruin her big moment. So I did what any man would do and delved in with both hands, disguising my confectionary search with a 10 digit fingerblast.
It was no use though, the fudge bar had been consumed by her meaty event horizon, forever lost in the vortex; only this wasn’t Hawking radiation being emitted from her hole, it was thick brown slurry that I had no choice but to consume.
At this point dear reader I must inform you that fanny juices mixed with melted fudge is just about as vile as you might imagine. The texture could be best described as something similar to PVA glue with a taste akin to a Nutella fishcake.
I did my best, but just couldn’t stomach it any longer and immediately threw up over her ankles.
Screaming, she jumped to her feet and recoiled in horror at my chocolate smeared face. She clearly wanted an explanation but I didn’t have one. There were no words that could possibly explain to her why I had apparently been feasting on some kind of thick brown vaginal discharge.
I left soon after and haven’t spoken to her since. I’d imagine she probably thinks I’m a bit of a cunt now. Shame really as I really did like Fudge bars up until that point.
– Sex With An Unknown (Male) Sauce –