Welcome to Sex With An Unknown Sauce, aka SWAUS.
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A little while I ago I went on a night out with my girlfriend at the time, my housemate James* and a few other friends. I said at the time that I wasn’t going to drink very much, but we all know that ends up being the complete opposite. Anyway, we all came back home and James started laying across the end of the bed, annoying the hell out of my girlfriend. I think we’d gone past that stage of being hungry or feeling shit and just needed to conk out, but he insisted on laying right in the way. In the end she said to him, “just get in, or go away James” to which he decided to take off his clothes and push his way in beside me. So there I am, sandwiched between my girlfriend who already had the majority of the space in annoyance, and James’s sweaty man body. Eurgh. So what does she decide to do? She starts trying to have sex with me, to which he joins in while I end up on top of her. His tongue goes in places it would never ever go if I was sober and suddenly I realise he’s licking my arse. I try to move myself away – what the actual fuck – has he got lost? But no, I later found out that’s his thing… My arse has never felt the same.
I don’t think I have ever been more traumatised to what I saw next when we somehow move ourselves around. I look over, and her head is bobbing up and down on his cock as he lays on MY SIDE of the bed loving life. It was a bit like one of those out of body experiences, yet I never, ever, want to repeat it.
Being as drunk as I was I wasn’t even sure what to make of the situation, but I can assure you, the second it finished I demanded she go brush her teeth and come nowhere near me.
– Sex With An Unknown (Female) Sauce –