Welcome to Sex With An Unknown Sauce, aka SWAUS.
Whether brief or a tale that’ll take hours to tell, we love to hear your sexual escapades… Got a sex story to share? Tweet us @SauceMagUK and express your interest, and we’ll help take care of the rest.
After spending an evening moaning to my best friend Tash* that I hadn’t had sex in just over a year, she told me I should just go out with the intention of taking someone home when I first started at Uni. She said everyone had a “slutty phase” in freshers and that it would be stupidly easy for me to take someone home, or go home with them, depending on how well I thought I could manage to get home the next day… So I went out with my new flatmates and found myself in this really dark nightclub that was hidden in some sort of basement deep in the heart of London. I had no real idea where I was, but I had a drink in my hand the entire night and didn’t really care too much about how I was going to find my way back.
I don’t remember much of the actual night, but what I do remember has not stopped being a running joke ever since. So I took this guy home that I’d met in that gross club and I awkwardly misheard his name when I first bumped into him at the bar and never really had the chance to confirm what he was actually called. I told my friends I was going back home with him if I could find a taxi, and just kind of mumbled a name I thought could be right.
When we got back he wouldn’t even take his t shirt off, and I actually thought he was just going to whip his cock out from his flies. I tried to relax him, and eventually he just settled with leaving his top on and taking off the rest while we had sex, which was a little weird. I’m not gonna lie, he wasn’t great, but it was just about to get worse. When he was about to come, he casually asked me “where can I come?” to which I replied “anywhere you like” – I’m no prude, and the whole jizzing on a girl’s tits thing isn’t new to me. But I didn’t realise he didn’t want to come on me either, let alone in me, and quickly got up, looking around him for somewhere to blow his load. I was expecting him to grab my t shirt or something, but instead he grabbed my orchid plant from my bedside table… Which my Mum had bought me to make my new Uni room look pretty. At the time I wanted to laugh so much, and thankfully ‘Mick’ or ‘Nick’ or whatever his name was said he had to be up early and left. I couldn’t look at my orchid the same way… I told my flatmate the next day and rung Tash to tell her where her advice left me. I still get “where can I come?” jokes now from my friends and I’m just starting a PHD.
– Sex With An Unknown (Female) Sauce –