The Threesome Conspiracy: Confirmed!

The Threesome Conspiracy: Confirmed!

Internet porn has a lot to answer for when it comes to creating unrealistic expectations

I mean right now I’m looking at the homepage of a well-known porn site and at least half the videos on offer are threesomes.

And you know what? That’s fine. THAT’S FUCKING FINE.

I’m not jealous… threesomes are popular, so naturally it makes good sense to film more to meet demand… perks of being a porn star and all that.
You know what does make me mad though?

This man here on my screen… this absolute lucky bastard here in the first video, he must be about 65 years old. He’s literally a pensioner with more hair on his giant belly than I have on my entire body.

Despite this, he’s got four drop dead gorgeous 18 year old girls, on their knees polishing his cock like there’s no tomorrow – which at his age is a very real possibility.
I’m sorry but it’s just too much… I can’t even…

Let’s turn off the porn and move on.

The Threesome Conspiracy: Confirmed!

Threesomes in real life

So as you may have guessed, I’m quite fond of the idea of a threesome; specifically two women and myself – more women would be nice, but I’m not greedy. I’m a realist, you know?

I’ve even made reasonable efforts to make my first threesome happen; from carefully suggesting the idea to past girlfriends, to signing up to threesome websites and generally mentioning it to any girl within earshot that will listen.

Despite all this, my quest for a double noshing has thus far been unfulfilled. So what’s the issue here?

Let’s talk about it.

Asking a girlfriend for a threesome…

The first time I asked a girlfriend if we could have a threesome with another girl she looked at me like I’d just told her that her vagina was vast and then sobbed herself to sleep.

The second girlfriend I asked said that she was up for it and that I could choose any of her female friends as a potential candidate, BUT, in exchange… she would then get to choose from any of my male friends to make it a foursome.

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The prospect of fucking one of her hottest friends, whilst watching one of my sleazy mates empty his porridge into my missus’s open mouth quickly ended that idea.

So in reality to make this happen, you’d have to have an amazing girlfriend that is both willing to share a woman with you without getting jealous and also happy to put up with you refusing to return the favour with another bloke.

If you’ve got a woman like this then I salute you sir, but I’m gonna declare this unicorn of a girlfriend, most likely one in a million.

Pulling two random girls that both want to have sex with you

Oh come on…

Let’s be honest here. Most blokes that go out on the pull generally end the majority of said nights with a greasy kebab and a lethargic wank into their left sock.

A good result for most blokes would be taking one girl home for a few minutes of awkward drunk sex with her disco fanny before she vomits on your Game of Thrones boxset and tells you she needs to be up early tomorrow for school.

The chances of you managing to find a girl in a club that just happens to be bisexual and also has a girlfriend/friend with her that also wants to have sex with you is pretty much laughable.

Chances are they would much rather go home without you and scissor the night away, like every bisexual and lesbian EVER… isn’t that right Suzie? :P

In my opinion, unless you are rich, famous or better looking than that handsome Sawyer bastard from Lost – yeah I would, AND WHAT OF IT? – Then it’s just not gonna happen.

The Threesome Conspiracy: Confirmed!

Using threesome websites and apps

Actually not a bad place to start, assuming you want to gingerly shag some random blokes wife whilst he looks on from the corner, masturbating furiously with a wild glint in his eye.

Yep, that’s right threesome websites are pretty much dominated by the following ratio of people.

10% Women that want another woman to join them and their blokes (she will want his mate’s porridge in return remember).
10% Women seeking women only.
10% Men seeking another man to fuck his wife while he watches.

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70% Horny single guys wielding their cocks like spears, waiting for the nearest vagina to twitch and reveal itself.

Even if you do manage to find a single girl that’s willing to consider a threesome with you and another woman, you’ve then got to find the other woman. Then BOTH women have to fancy each other AND you, plus they both have to live reasonably close by.

I mean come on lad…

Paying for a threesome

So we’ve come full circle, because let’s face it… paying for it is pretty much the same as getting paid to do it in porn.

You can probably pay two escorts £100 each for 30-60 minutes of threesome action on tap.

Pretty good deal right? Assuming you are OK with the fact that neither woman is likely to enjoy the experience beyond making a bit of cash.

Let’s also not forget that this is still not going to be like a porn threesome.

Firstly, you’re gonna be wearing a condom – because not wearing a condom with a prostitute is about the dumbest thing you could ever do – and secondly you’re gonna have to swap the condom when switching between girls.

So you can forget about these amazing porn scenarios where you dunk between holes like someone piercing a microwave dinner.

Nope, endless condom switching. Multiple re-lube moments. Confused penis. Imminent disaster. You get the idea.

Also if you’re lucky, you won’t catch an STI. That’s always a bonus.

So in conclusion

Am I still absolutely bitter about the fact I haven’t had a threesome with two girls yet? Absolutely.

Can I rest assured that people outside of porn and prostitution probably aren’t having many threesomes themselves? Probably.

Has any of this helped?

Not a fucking bit! I want a fucking threesome!

 

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An Unknown Sauce

Not So Unknown // @imrobgonzo

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